LETTERS TO THE SUN (2009)

PRELUDE Do you know what it means to write to the sun? It means that the words are going to burn… do you get? You never write anything to the sun… why? Because its too hot up there. That is exactly how I view you. I view you as if you were that hot flame burning up endlessly. I don’t believe you have ever seen any of my works. Well here is the opportunity that you have been waiting for…. Join this ride and zoom off with me……………………… Prologue I wrote a letter to the sun To smile down at you But he declined and replied, Guess what he said, He said you're too hot I smiled and wrote another letter And this time to the moon To watch over you as you sleep He also declined and replied, Guess what he said, He said you are too beautiful, You take the shine out of him Obviously there had to be someone Out there that I could write to Then I picked up my pen and pad And I wrote to an Angel To help me guide you Would you believe what He said? He told me that Angels DONT WATCH OVER ANGELS... You are special. Dale’s views

Far too personal have i taken my relationship with Esther, she didn’t see things the way i saw them, she thought that we could just be friends and it would end there, things never seem that simple for me. For starters i am a natural when it comes to taking things serious, oh! I haven’t introduced myself to you reader, you? Did i hear you right? Yes you, my name is Dale, i like to refer to myself as a prolific writer and inventor, ok yeah back to my story, I fell in love. At first it was unbelievable, because guys like me just don’t fall in love unless it was for a reason. So the questions are what kind of person am i? and why did i fall in love? My questions seem numerous but trust me they all have answers. I am an all in one kind of guy, gentle outgoing but more importantly i am not the girl chasing kind of guy, so i just make up stories about myself been in love with some imaginary girlfriend and i decided that been with her was good enough for me. Now why did i fall in love, i got myself mixed up in some belief that i was old enough to handle a real relationship, so i stuck my neck out like a chicken ready to be slaughtered for the fastest opportunity to get involved as i could. It wasn’t that fast, because i had to search out that person that was going to make my dearest fantasies come true. Indeed my fantasies did come true, i met Esther, my oh! My, wasn’t she beautiful? She was exactly what i dreamt about all this while, so you’ll understand why i love her so. So enough of talking, check out some of my letters to her, beware some of this letters were written due to the fact that i was feeling really insecured during the time that i was away.

Esther’s views

I don’t believe love is necessary to fill spaces in life, infact i believe people looking for love must first look inwards before they can start the journey of searching it out else where. Hey you, guess you already know my name uh? Well i don’t know where to start, is it where i asked Dale to stop been unnecessarily tied with me or what? Being a good Christian i don’t believe i am supposed to stay in a relationship that i know has no future, how do i know this? Dale can never be responsible enough for me, he has no idea what it means to love, his idea of love is rather bookie, but he’ll never agree with that. Then again, i could be wrong because most of the time i am wrong about him, i have never really made out time to know him, i know exactly how he feels about me, but i am afraid that if he knows how i feel about him, it will destroy him. Dale is not exactly the dashingly handsome kind of guy that will sweep a girl off her feet, neither is he prince Charming, i cannot afford to date a guy that i wont be proud of. But can i tell him that without hurting his feelings? I don’t think so. Dale is just not my kind of guy, to me i don’t believe in being with him for any reason, not because he has done any thing wrong but for no good reason, no good reason at all.

The beginning of the beginnings. 10:30pm 26-09-09

Hey you, How are you? Guess you’re fine... well I hope you’re. How have you been? Every now and every then, I think about you and I wonder if you do the same. Don’t blame me if I’m being a little bit sarcastic it’s just what happens or probably what I often wonder. Do you know the funniest part of it is the fact that there will always be someone, some guy out there, which might be having this same feeling towards you like I’m having? Maybe what I feel is stronger, just maybe... but like someone once told me, so far that person you like or love has found happiness in someone else, learn to share in that happiness, its the best option you have, any other option you take might be wrong. Esther, believe it or not I love You but its time for me to go, so I can grow because I know that I can never get over you. Esther, I have been trying but you have not helped me at all... in actual fact all you’ve helped me to do is falling in love with you, over and over and again. Let me be totally honest with you, You are the girl of my dreams, answer to my prayer, you are an angel, but heavens knows that you’ll always be a dream waiting to come true, my dream, I wish I could be the guy for you, I wish I could be the guy of your dreams too, but I obviously aren’t. Some days ago, I shared my plight with someone and that person categorically told me to let go. Somehow it’s hard but I don’t know what to do. I’m moving to the next category in my life, and whatever decision I take now is definitely going to affect the rest of my life. Writing this reminds me of New Years Day. Remember the words you said to me? I won’t tell you because I know you have a fantastic memory, but those words of yours shaped this year for me. I actually thought things won’t be like this by now, but who am I kidding? You know something funny? Something was invoked two or three days ago in me... what do you think that thing is? It was you, and the extent of my confusion remains high, where we are concerned. Esther, who are you to me? Definitely not my girlfriend and obviously not my best friend... I MISS YOU.

Dale…

It is a pity that you feel this way about me, well i don’t believe I have an answer to any of the questions that you asked because i have not thought about it that way before. I hope you understand that being just friends with you means a lot to me than anything else might mean, i don’t want us to get involved in anything that would complicate things. Because things as of now are complicated enough with us right now.

Esther… Fool for love? 11:00pm 27-09-09

Hey Esther, I’m very sorry about the way that I ended the last letter, maybe I was too raw with the way I painted those words to you [or maybe I wasn’t raw enough] or maybe I shouldn’t have told you what was on my mind. Any which way, I’m sorry. How are you? I’ve honestly missed you, even now that you are reading this letter, I wish I could see your face, see the eagerness in your eyes from the outside, feel your heartbeat as it races and perceive that coolness and beauty that only you can give. I wish I could read your thoughts without seeing you and determine whether you feel pity or love for me or is it anger or hatred [I know this can never happen]? Or is that you are totally unaffected, showing that I‘m a fool for falling in love with you...? Well if I’m a fool then may it be because of you. Would you believe me? If I told you that I will always be in love with you? If you don’t, it means that you don’t know what I love about you... you don’t know that I love your silence and your noise at the same time, I love the way you look at me and listen to me. You don’t know that I love your dedication to God, and you have no idea how much I love your smile, your dress sense, your naivety, heavens!!! I love virtually everything about you. But that’s not where it ends, every individual crave attention at one point in their lives, and you gave your time and sometimes your mind to people. And irrespective of what is on your mind, you always have a smile for everyone... thanks for letting me to share in your beauty.

Dale…

Honestly, your last letter hurts, why does it hurt? Is a question that i believe you know the answer to. You are a master in the art of using words and i admire you for that. In fact i must admit that i was very flattered even though i knew that you didn’t intend it to flatter me, i wish i could reply you with words so beautiful yet so easy to read. But somehow within me my heart sends me a message to you that you should strive to be the guy in your letter often then maybe you could have that which you mostly desire. Then, i must tell you that i wasn’t a bit disturbed about your last letter before this one, it only reminds me of the fact that i can be a better person with you always there to put me right along the path of truth. Thank you very much Dale.

Esther… Entangled 5:15am 25-09-09

Hey pretty girl, Hmmn, I missed you, cant believe it but its the truth, it’s been almost a week since you promised to call and you didn’t. I have learnt never to get angry or even choked up because of this, but the truth is that the last time I called you, you called me someone else’s name and hung up. The last time I called, you said you weren’t proud of the fact that you haven’t called me and thus...... I have been awaiting your call ever since. I’m worried about you, but I’m afraid that you won’t want to pick up my call if I made the call. It scares me to see you like this even now that I understand that you might not be able to date a guy like me. I wish I could make you understand that I’m not asking you or any other girl for that matter to be ashamed of been seen with me or anything for that matter, I would never do that. The truth is that you need to be free. And by God you don’t need to be proud of me. I don’t need you to be proud of me anymore, because I’m proud of myself and I’m proud of you and I understand you. I don’t want you to be entangled in my world anymore; I have entangled you in my web long in enough...

Dale…

I am sorry that i have not been able to give you a call, the thing is that i have been so busy that i have lost the track of time, some times i even feel as if i had called only to realise that i only thought of it without really carrying it out. Your last words really baffle me, but i really don’t have anything to add, i believe that you always think through all your decisions before you make them.

Esther… Irony of life 12:32am 30-09-09

Hi, Guess it’s late and I don’t know why I feel like talking to you. You know something cool? The irony of life is that when we think we lost something, it’s actually because we lost the battle of being challenged. One of the greatest ingredients of winning in any situation is challenge. Once you are challenged, it’s what facilitates that which you need to make a breakthrough. Sorry to bore you with this..., I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately and I haven’t been fair with my self. Maybe I should be more realistic with you. I need you!!! Somehow that didn’t come out right. But it’s the truth, I need you. I need you to be my friend, I need you to stand by me when the going gets tough, and believe me, and the going is definitely going to get tough. Last night I heard the words that pretty sum it all up for me. You’ll always be my best friend because I believe in you. I believe in whatever decision you take. The irony of this lies in a statement made by Bethany Joy, when she said that ‘only unhappy people tries to kill the happiness that shadows happy people ‘. So what I’m trying to say is that, so far the guy you might have chosen over me makes you happy, who cares about what I think, who cares about how I feel! As long as you are happy, then I am too because I believe in you. I believe there is no way that you could be wrong. And even if you were wrong, you must always remember that I got your back, it might be hard for me to do, hard for you to believe but it’s the truth...

Dale…

You are such a dork when you feel like it, you know that? And the truth is that I need you too, maybe more than you need me, but i really don’t know how to tell you, i don’t want you to take it the wrong way, i need a person like you to be my friend. And thank you for believing in me, it means a lot. I hope i don’t disappoint you, because i am not as wonderful as you have made me out to be. Some how, the things that scare me about you are exactly what you’re now doing. Thank you Dale.

Esther… Saying goodbye 09:47am 01-10-09

Hey you, The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it over and over and again. It seems like the hardest thing in the world but its not, it’s just an opportunity to face the world from anew perspective, and hold on to the best memories of those that you have to let go. Love is huge, it’s beautiful, it’s a wonder and it makes you feel wanted, like you just won a battle against the whole world. It always was on your mind to be a winner; it just helps when you have someone to share it with. I always thought nothing could be harder than letting go but really it’s beautiful, it aint hard at all. I guess I’m just starting to see life from your perspective now, I’m seeing life through your eyes and it wells up oceans of tears in mine. I want to share something with you that is powerful, its called loving, but not like it sounds its much more, its the power to feel secured, knowing that even in bad times and stormy weather, someone’s got your back. If your offer still stands, I guess I’ll just do my crying in the rain, even if my heartache remains...

Dale…

Sometimes i just tell myself Dale has to be the most complicated human being ever, but somehow he is always right, even though you have managed to confuse me in ways that i cannot even imagine, I’ll still try to process what you have just written in a simple and layman term. I don’t understand the perspective that you are claiming to be seeing life through but whatever perspective that is, i don’t think, its mine.

Esther… Love is not an end 03:10pm 01-10-09

Hey pretty girl, Its afternoon here and its pretty hot, the boredom and the loneliness that grips my heart from time to time sometimes sends me into that beautiful world where everything and every individual is created and crafted by me, some people call it an illusion while some call it fantasy. Call it what you might, but I’d rather it be called imagination. That is where I discovered that love is only the beginning of something wonderful, something dynamic, something special, something great and something or anything that would stand the test of time. Love is not an end [a trophy won, after a long and stressful competition], its not even a means to an end [like we economists say], it is the beginning of something powerful, that would wax stronger even during raging storms and tempest seas. Seeing you happy makes me happy and knowing you’re okay wells up my heart with thoughts innumerable to mention. If this aint love, then I don’t know what love is? Most of the time I lie to my self, but the truth is that I cant keep doing it, I just had to let go, because I obviously might not be able to do the job of making you happy, but someone.... out there will and........ those words don’t even sound right for me to say or write, I guess all I want is for you to be alright...

Dale…

Your last couple of letters just started making sense to me recently and i figured that maybe you weren’t as confusing as i made you out to be at first. But allow me to confuse you a little too. You kind of led me to start believing that something stronger than what we currently share may exist between us, but i guess you have a better idea. Whatever your decision is, it is alright by me, but i do not enjoy the fact that you are always showing how vulnerable you are, whenever you write. By your definition of love, i really wish you’d read no meaning into it when i say i love you.

Esther… Always in my heart 01:17am 11-10-09

Hey you, How are you? It’s pretty late over here, who am I kidding? Its the middle of the night, I feel terribly heavy and I also feel extremely fatigued, the weather is at its best behaviour, it just rained, and I miss you, again and again and again... I wont explain that because you might not understand, in some years from now, you’d look back at this letters and say to yourself its was an honour to have been a friend that Dale loves so much that he could have shared his thoughts with you and also keep it as a treasure, because that’s what this is. A lot of times I question the reason for our existence, but the activities of recent days has shown me more than ever how beautiful it is to find someone that would treasure what you have painlessly thought of. You know something funny? All I want is that you should never forget me, that is the reason for this, I want to stay in your memory for a long time, even when you wont see me again, I want to know that this letters meant something to you, I want to hear that through this letter, we had a bonding so powerful that no one could break it, I want this letters to give you answers to questions that you’ve ever had about me, I want this letters to remind you of me and the beautiful moments that you were so kind to share with me, because this letters define me and they define how I truly and honestly feel about you. I love you, even though you know, but I guess my love would never be enough for a great girl like you. Esther is going to change the world, even though she hasn’t realized it yet, but it will only take herself to stop her; nothing else can exact the same influence as her... Esther I have not given up on you, because I know that you always know the right thing to do, but in any case if you ever need a brother, a shoulder to cry on (because its alright to cry sometime), a friend to talk to, someone to lean on when you are in need of something, just remember that I’m only a phone call away, and I’m always here. Please don’t leave your life in isolation because you are scared of what people might say or what they’ll think, live your life for yourself and enjoy it. I have to go and sleep now... I will always keep you in a place where no hand can touch you in me.

Dale…

How i wish i could return all this letters, Dale you are touching me, and you are not even aware of the effects of your words in me. I don’t mind seeing you right now and throwing my arms over you just to sob at you manly shoulders, but somehow i don’t think guys like you appreciate stuffs like that.

Esther… Heart desire 02:45pm 10-10-09

Hey you, Damn, today is pretty hot like a babe in the front cover of playboy magazine, just kidding, honestly the weather is incredibly steaming, I can see your face… you are frowning uh? My letters are getting more and more boring, maybe that’s a sign that I should stop writing them, I know!!! Ok? Maybe that’s because all I have been doing is talk about me and not you, I am sorry. Do you know that the average individual enjoys talking about themselves, yeah! That’s why most conversations are boring… Do you know something? Everyone always has something to say… even those who lie to themselves that they don’t. Gorge Bernard Shaw once said “that there are two tragedies in life, one when you loose your heart desire and the other when you gain or win your heart desire” a friend of mine once said that Bernard Shaw must have been a confused man, but my friend was wrong but Shaw was right at least in certain respects. All decisions in life tend to fail us at a particular point or the other. I guess what Shaw was trying to say is that no decision in life guarantees success. But I also believe that Shaw underestimated the power of Love, because he never knew Jesus or you, he never saw how pretty you are, or what else could have prompted him to say something so low about my heart desire…

Dale…

Its beautiful to see you devour one of the greatest British writers like that, i believe you are right because Shaw never met you either, he never saw how special you are, neither did he understand what it means to love.

Esther… Dream love 7:09am 15-10-09

Hey pretty girl, This morning I awoke feeling a little bit edgy as if I’m about to make a decision that would change the world. Good morning and how was your night? Hope you really had a beautiful sleep, I know things are absolutely fantastic for you. As I said earlier, I’m a bit edgy this morning, the thing is that I had this weird dream, it was about you, and it wasn’t very good… I tried calling you yesterday but the network was so bad that I ended up not talking to you. Today I am going to say certain things that I hope I won’t regret. I know how I feel about you, but sadly I don’t know how you feel about me, it seems like I may never know and I sure hope some day that I’ll to know. The truth is that a huge part of me cares to know but there is another part of me that is scared of the answer. The totality of me can never ever stop caring about or loving you. It’s what we are made for, but sometimes life is about saying goodbyes and moving on. But always bear this on your mind Ms Esther, that I may not be the guy for you, heavens knows that I may not even be the guy that you choose to spend the rest of your life with, I may not be the most perfect individual in the world but I’m the… Esther, I’m the guy that carries your thoughts in his heart as fragile as they may be, I am the guy whose happiness deeply relies on your own happiness, I’m the guy whose words written on paper are more real than the emotions he shows outside… I guess the only way that I could have gotten you to know who I truly am is through this, this is me and I hope it wont hurt for you to reads this words aloud to yourself and realize every single truth that resides in these beautiful words… I love you and I hope you aint ashamed to hear that… I can imagine how many times You’ve heard those words and how many times you’ve seen how little it meant to those that said it to you… but take it from someone who does not play around with words, I LOVE YOU…

Dale…

You are really sweet, you know that? But i really cant be hearing this right now, especially not from you… Esther… Heartache or Heartbreak? 11:09pm 19-10-09

Hey, I must say without mincing words and without any sense of remorse that you… you have left me asking myself questions that I do not have any business searching out its answers. You’ve dealt me a blow, one that has hit me like a thud of thunder, it seems more horrendous than a jab or punch from Mike Tyson. I can’t believe you could ever say such words to me, but you did… it still seems as if I just woke up from a bad dream because that is what this is. The funny thing is that even those words can’t ever change my resolve to love you… you may have damaged my heart with that heavy blow, because that’s where you reside in me, but you cant damage my soul where I keep and feed the love that I have for you with just mere words. Pain, they say is the one thing that unites us, it is the one thing that every individual share, it is embedded upon the foundation of true love, thus it is the only thing that love is yet to conquer. But like someone once said and I quote “ even if the heartache remain, I’ll do my crying in the rain” because that is the only place that you wont see my tears, it would be shadowed by rain droplets. So my definition of pain is learning to suffer in silence, and if need be to suffer, May it be because of “you”. Remember all I want is your happiness, and I trust you enough, I would have fought for your love if I knew who I was up against, but what is a duel without two people? I trust you to make the right decision…

Dale…

I cant believe that you totally fell for that, i was just kidding , you didn’t have to take it so personal, did i tell you i had a boyfriend?… it was just a joke to see what you’d say, but you really flunked this one…

Esther… I got punked!!!! 11:39pm 20-10-09

Hey you, You are so full of …… I don’t even know what to say or what not to say, it must be basically the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in awhile. You definitely punked me (you are smiling uh?) it’s not fair, it’s like we are playing a game and you cheated. And you say that I pressed control P (personal) what else should I have pressed? Control S? (Shock) Honestly I felt really disturbed yesterday. You must be laughing at me uh? That joke was definitely too expensive for me to bear, I mean… think about it too, will you? Most times I tell you that I have certain feelings about you and now you tell me that you are with your… I wont lie to you, I cried last night, just because I felt that someone must have induced you to practically hurt me and I know that couldn’t have been my Esther, she’ll never do anything to hurt me I used to say, but check out this new one. You are becoming a very naughty girl, and if you keep it up, you will get the naughtiness out of me too, vis-à-vis two can play that game… (You are smiling uh?) I can be worse than you… just kidding. My ink is getting dry and that can only mean one thing, the book has to come to an end. Thanks for joining me on this adventure of discovery and recovery, I never thought I’d finish this book but don’t fret, this is just the beginning of something BIG. And I know that whatever it is that we feel we share, may it stand… and definitely it will. Remember this are just not words written to trip you or amuse you, they are memories worth visiting for answers and if you don’t get those answers here, remember that I am only phone call away. I have a poem for you by Michael Murray, which I hope one day I would read with my mouth to you, looking straight into your eyes and saying each word the way it was meant to be said…. Remember tonight because it’s the beginning of always, A promise like a reward for persisting through life So long alone. A believe in each other And a possibility of love A decision to ignore and simply rise Above the pain of the past A covenant which at once binds two souls And yet severs prior ties. The celebration of the chance taken And the challenges that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one Like a team braced against The tempest of the world, And love which is God, Will always be the guiding force of our lives.

Dale… Epilogue I have asked for a lot of things from God But the one He gave me beats my imagination His own master piece, a total creation You are a real gift You give my life a lift. I aint trying to flatter you Because flattery is void And I know your loveliness Can never turn into nothiness That is why I say without mincing words That you’re God’s own total work of art Created for greater things And you’ll change the world Because I believe in you… © 2009. Ojuola Tolulope Daniel.